Saturday, January 24, 2009

the Heart knows...

Had a moment the other day. A moment that lasted 2 full days and nights... Just couldn't get Brandon off my mind. Not to say he's Ever off my mind, but it was Different. I couldn't breathe without missing Brandon and I know it's not possibly, but I honestly caught myself Wondering, more than a few times, whether or not my Heart had stopped beating. He called last Sunday. All he could manage to say was, It's Tough, I Miss you... We had four minutes and then his little Voice was gone. By Wednesday I was done. My nerves were shot and I was close to Screaming at someone, which in my line of work could be Dangerous and/or career limiting.  

The only thing I could think of to calm myself down on was to write Brandon a Letter, so that's what I did. I wrote and Wrote and the hour I had for lunch felt like Five seconds. No, I had no address for Brandon but just writing that Letter and including within my text the Pictures I'd taken of the snow we had the morning before and the latest photo of Bing somehow got me through the rest of the afternoon. Before I left work I called the post locator at Fort Benning and was given Brandon's company name and address. No one could give me his Roster number, which they said would help my Letter reach him faster, but I didn't care. I addressed the Letter with all the Information the nice lady could give me and then Rushed out of my office to make it to the Post office before they closed. I didn't want to fold my letter as to not crease the Photos; therefore, I needed the post office to weigh the Large envelope for Correct postage. 

Today I received Confirmation that I wasn't alone in what I was feeling this Week... Brandon wrote and what he poured out onto the Pages tells me he is missing Me (and much, much more) as much as I am missing him. 

I will scan and e-mail all of Brandon's letter to you Later, but page Eight can't wait. It goes like this:

So here's my plan of getting things off my mind... A list of things I miss:

You. Mom's cooking, Bing, GTI, the backseat of the expedition, that time we went to Tweetsie railroad, Outback Steakhouse, sugar/frosted cookies from Lowe's foods, Bing waiting for me near the shower, dad's music, mom coming home with catered food, Long John Silver's, that time we went to Disneyland/California Adventure, the solarium and mom watching FOXNews during cooking, mom vacuuming, Grandma and Grandpa, Applebee's, little Debbie, le Blue bottled water, taking grooming time, taking a shower for more than 2 minutes, Krispy Kreme, Thanksgiving Food, you guys coming home from work, Santa at Carmel, Home Depot, ASU, going to the movies with you, music (radio, etc.), Olive Garden, den couch, living room, the pantry, cereal, naps, waffle house. 

But really just being around you.  ...even though I was quiet, I miss your presence. All in all, if I could fit into this envelope I would be home with you. I will write again, Brandon

From Page 4 and 5: 

I miss the life I had, eating, sitting, being lazy, whenever. I miss having a box of Honeybunches of Oats on hand any time, a full pantry, mom's cooking, cookies, etc. I am always hungry here. We get whatever is served to us, 2 cups of Powerade and 3 minutes or less to eat. Typically, not even 3 so that's rough for me. I miss Bing. I miss a boring job at Home Depot. I miss grocery stores. I miss fast food. I miss those thick sugar cookies from Lowe's food. I miss my car. I miss my XBOX, I miss the couch in the den and Bing on my chest. I just miss everything and I keep telling myself it'll be okay but then reality hits me and I realize that life is over. After training I'll be stationed here or deployed. I'll be different... and I'm sorry. I should have thought what this would do to you. I'm really sorry... but I do hope to get some time home after... whenever... I don't think I'll get any time... I love you though. I'll continue this when I can. Moo

There is a picture of our house Brandon drew on the back of page 1. Unlike all the other letters, there are no drawings of Rank, the base or Army slogans. 

Moo is what I've called Brandon since he was born. Brandon is my Moo. Brandon will always just be Moo to me. Seeing him write Moo is the first time he's acknowledged my nickname for him. Maybe he's remembering the deep Love for him that came with my calling him Moo. He called my Thanksgiving turkey dry. Brandon used to slam his bedroom door when I vacuumed. Until I read this letter I was sure I embarrassed Brandon. 

Boy... This is Tough. Brandon is all I can think about. I wish he was home. I would go pick him up tonight and on the way Home, I would stop at the Market for all his favorites. This is very, Very tough. I wish he didn't Miss me so much. I hope his Heart knows how much I miss him. 

Letter #5. By far the hardest to read. I hope Brandon got my letter to him today... I hope it Cheered him up.  

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