Sunday, July 22, 2012

Sunday bird watching and thoughts on parenting...

Whenever people see the solarium on the back of the house, usually
the first thing they say is, what a wonderful place to have morning
coffee and watch the birds! Well, while I don't drink coffee, I do...
Love to watch the birds from the solarium!
Especially early in the morning when everyone has breakfast on the mind!
Fortunately, I filled every bird feeder on the
property last night before I went to bed...
Which means there's plenty for everyone... Even the chipmunks!
All eleven of them!
I like them. But they do tend to...
Annoy the birds!
Especially birds watching their young, trying to train them
to use the feeders. Like this momma Cardinal and her...
Young, son
As I watch them, I can't help but think how easy momma-Cardinal makes it
look. She's survived on her own to adulthood, protected a nest from various
predators and worked hard to feed and nurture her baby. And now, against
considerable odds, her son is flying on his own. You know, I have a young
son too. And, despite my best efforts, he can't seem to leave our nest...
The pain, heartbreak and struggle to raise him has been constant. Twenty-
one and a half years, to be exact. And, just when I begin to trust a corner
might get turned and, I believe healing might actually be a possibility...
It all falls spectacularly apart and we end up
even further behind where we last started!
The things we've tried would flat-out astound you. They are things that
would require you to wonder how it is that I am still able to get out of bed in
the morning or how it is that there is still a dime left in my accounts. And yet,
here I am! Still plugging away on faith that one day he'll wake up and get it...
Get that he is amazing and capable of overcoming anything and
absolutely everything he doubts about himself and the world...
And, more! If only he would trust himself and be less afraid. And, less critical
and judgmental of us. And, be more motivated. And, more eager for a happy
life of his own. A life that rewards him and, punishes us less. I wonder a lot...
About what else I might do or say to inspire him. God knows the life his father and I
have built together and, most certainly all his brother has accomplished should be
more than enough to demonstrate that anything he could imagine is possible. But
incredibly, it's not. Nothing has worked to set his sail. There is only defiance...
There is one strategy left... A strategy that goes against all it means
to be a parent. A strategy that says I love you enough to suffer the
pain that comes from letting you go... Letting you go to build a life
of your own without the input and guidance you so seem to resist
I'm once again waiting for the other shoe to drop. Wondering what
next event it will be, before I screw up the courage again to let him go...


  1. Saying a prayer for you! Lots of love and hugs coming your way.

  2. Letting go is never easy but it will never be his success unless you do. If you continue to hold on it will always be your failure.
    Having the successes of your parents.siblings and other family can hold you back in ways that others can't possibly know, He is young and comes from a so kid foundation he knows how to live and just has to do it.
    I love you, believe in you and pray for you, now go.

  3. I too am praying for you. Thank you for being able share this part with us. Andrea in WA.

  4. Oh Janet, so sorry to hear of your struggles. I will be praying for Peace and understanding! And most of all, that your boy find his way, and soon! Tough love is the hardest of all. I don't know that I could ever do it! Hang in there! My thoughts are with you!

  5. Dearest Janet, my heart goes out to you. I can so relate to your situation. I too have a son who resisted all I tried to do to encourage him into having a life of his own headed on the right path. Although he resisted everything I tried, it was when I finally chose to use tough love that was the turning point. When I refer to tough love it is the saying I once heard from Carol Burnette (sp.) "You've got to love them enough to let them hate you." For my situation it was what finally worked with him. I never gave up on him yet became strong enough to decide no you will not continue on this path and depend on me to rescue you anymore. When he realized I would no longer take care of him as if he were a small child that he made a change. Sometimes forcing a child to make a stand for themselves is the only thing to do to help them. I don't know what will help your situation, I'm just letting you know what worked for me. Three years later and my son is a changed man. He is nearing forty and I can say he is standing on his own without depending on me. I will pray for you and your son just as I prayed for my situation. I just hope it will help in some small way to know that it is not you that is a failure in your parenting him. It is the choices he is making and the rebellion he displays that makes him the one at fault. He will probably give you a guilt trip every time you try to encourage him to make a change. You did your best to raise him to be a good man and for some reason he doesn't want what has been given him. Love, good principles, good standards, good values, and all around good upbringing is what is a parents resposibility for raising their children. Just remember you've done your job and it's up to him to do his job. I will tell yiou this as long as you allow him to do this to you he will and become more braver as time goes on. I pray for God to help you as he helped me and hope for a better relationship when it is all said and done. Love and Best Wishes from Alice

  6. Hi. I rarely leave comments on blogs but your post moved me so much that I felt like I needed too. I'm not a mother but rather, I'm the sister who had to watch my parents use some tough love on him. And because of the age difference, it also felt like I had to use tough love on him too...because he was desperate and mad as all heck but he did it. My brother is in his mid 20's and is finally standing on his own two feet. My parents went though hell and back but the end result was a relationship that is better than never. While my brother is still not sure about how he'll finish school or what he wants to do when he grows up, he's happy and making good choices and for that...we are all really happy. Your sons's time will come too. It will be hard and ugly and nothing how you thought it should be, but it will happen. I have faith that it will. Sending many good thoughts your way!!

  7. I can only echo everything these commenters have said. Your love for your family is so evident on the pages of your blog.

    Trust your heart.


  8. We never leave, I'm now 29 and moved back into my mom's house until we get back on our feet. *shrug*

    Love your post though :)


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